It all went down on Sunday.

Some of you have heard of high intensity interval training, or HIIT. Most types of cardio training work for HIIT. You can run, bike, or otherwise exert yourself repeatedly. You can even flap your arms frantically in hopes of finally getting off the ground, which is a great way to protest a boring lecture or meeting.

You work as hard as you possibly can for about 30 seconds to a minute, then you take it easy for 30 to 90 seconds, and then go hard again. You repeat roughly 8 times or until losing consciousness, whichever seems healthier at the time.

Actually most people don’t get dizzy during this type of training, if that does happen try breathing through your nose only. HIIT has been shown to increase human growth hormone and cardiovascular fitness much faster than conventional moderate intensity cardio workouts.

On Sunday I created a new type of high intensity training I like to call HIIS, or high intensity interval sitting.

You sit for about 20 minutes, then take a 10-15 minute nap whether you are tired or not, and repeat until you get hungry, at which time you ask whoever’s within earshot to bring you something.

This is not to be confused with the HIIS which happens the day after eating Si Chuan style Chinese food.

High intensity interval s#!**ing should always be combined with interval sitting unless your aim is impeccable and/or you are residing in a mental institution.

All it takes is one little incident and you’re marked for life as “no longer welcome at romantic comedy movie night.”

I love it when a plan comes together.

Many recent studies have shown the dangers of sitting for prolonged periods of time (diabetes, heart disease and just about any chronic disease). You can add years to your life by practicing interval sitting instead, provided you actually get up at regular intervals, as opposed to misinterpreting the data through repeated naps.

Never sit for an hour straight. Set a 20 minute timer, get up, walk around, think a bit, let inspiration strike, then jot down that amazing idea that will shake the very foundations of the planet. Repeat 8 times, or until you get a raise.

Summer Scheduling

The clinic will be closed from June 22nd through July 10th, and will reopen on the 11th.

I will be utilizing high intensity interval sitting on the plane, which typically impresses the stewardesses and other passengers alike. They’re always saying encouraging things like, “please refrain from handstands while the fasten seat belt sign is illuminated, ” and, “the first class bathroom is for first class passengers only.”

We’re going to New Zealand to see the scenery and smell the sheep.

The New Zealand sheep smell exactly like chicken according to this rumor I’m trying to spread. New Zealand has roughly seven sheep per person, which is good, because it’s better to be outnumbered by sheep than komodo dragons.

New Zealand doesn’t have komodo dragons, which means it’s like Australia but you’re less likely to be eaten.

We’re going on a nighttime cave tour to see glow worms.

It’s weird how glowing things are more appealing. Since when is the highlight of a tour regular worms? Maybe if you’re a professional a bait fisherman. Make them glow though and people will be there with cameras cursing their unsteady hands and lack of foresight to bring a tripod.

Imagine how much better the world would be if things like cancer and Bob Saget were glow in the dark.

“Well, this sucks, I have 4 months of chemo and baldness to look forward to, and I’ve come face to face with my mortality. But there’s a silver lining in all this, now I can find my way to the bathroom at night without tripping over the cat. And at least I’m not Bob Saget.”

At least I’m not Bob Saget. That’s enough to make anyone feel better.

I want to start a new spiritual movement called At Least I’m Not Bob Saget. We will be open to all races, sexes, religions, ages, creeds, and colors that can come together on the common ground that at least we’re not Bob Saget.

Back to the topic of glowing things, it would be amazing to get attacked by a glow in the dark komodo dragon. It would make a way better story than one of those run of the mill standard komodo dragon attacks that you’re always hearing about.

“Dude, you’re not going to believe it. It was like running away from an electric light show. I was running way faster than I’ve ever run from one of Bob Saget’s shows.”

In the brave new glowing world glowing Bob Saget rides in on a chariot pulled by 10 glowing komodo dragons. People are awed and powerless to stop him. Then he does the unspeakable.

Due to a legal loophole whereby he is recognized as the founder, he joins the At Least I’m Not Bob Saget movement.

The paradox destroys both the laws of logic and physics. A hole rips through the fabric of reality and the universe implodes. The final sound is Bob Saget, who single-handedly outwitted us all, getting the last laugh.

In that moment he achieves the ultimate the zen ideal of both being and not being…Bob Saget.

This is one scenario where the end doesn’t seem like a good place to end. I guess I’ll be more grateful from now on that more things aren’t glow in the dark.

I can’t really see a downside to glowing sheep that smell like chicken though. Imagine all the amazing sweaters and socks.

Every time someone took off their shoes on a plane people would get hungry instead of nauseated.

Happy Summer friends and family, thanks for those online reviews and referrals
June 2015