Artificial turkey insemination is getting out of hand.

Yeah, I know that’s not as pressing an issue as whether or not Howard Stern renews his contract with America’s Got Talent, but isn’t it at least as important as whether or not Richard Branson is actually an extraterrestrial attempting to reconnect with his home planet?

Just kidding Richard, Virgin is by far the best airline I’ve flown on this year. And not just because it was the only flight I took this year.

Almost all of the commercial turkeys in the U.S. are the result of assisted procreation. This was done at first experimentally with wild turkeys leading to a watered down variety of the animal and the offshoot bourbon ‘sort of wild turkey’ which against all odds managed to taste almost as bad as the original. Perfect for the holidays!

The turkey that you eat for thanksgiving (unless you’re vegetarian, in which case the turkey that you smell for thanksgiving) was inside a turkey baster long before it was flavored with one.

Some call that ironic. Some call it reprehensible.

Some call it hilarious.

I call it the circle of life.

Due to a preference for white meat we began breeding turkeys with bigger and bigger breasts.

The new hourglass female turkeys now intimidated the males resulting widespread performance anxiety and zero natural breeding.

Actually the breasts just got in the way, like a barrier to entry.

For a time this was done to chickens resulting in the origination of the term cock-block in 1927.

No, it’s not the platform that rooster-call contestants stand on while competing. That guy is just making things up, he doesn’t even list his sources.

Aside:

When I was 6 years old I frequented an Americanized Chinese restaurant with place-mats printed with the Chinese zodiac. I found it perplexing that if you were born in 1980 you were a monkey, 1982 you were a dog, but roughly everyone born in 1981 was a cock.

Yes I could read when I was 6, laugh it up.

It seemed absurd that a restaurant would insult 1/12 of it’s customers before their meal was even served. And why not a hen? If you’re going to call someone chicken I guess it was less insulting in the 80′s to call them a male chicken than a gender neutral chicken or, God forbid, a female chicken.

Further aside:

In grade school my nickname was Ben the hen.

Clever, I know.

I went to a kind and caring teacher distraught and on the verge of tears. Why would anyone be so cruel? He said it was partly because my name rhymed with hen, partly because I frequently pecked at seeds strewn on the ground while kicking up dirt behind me. It made me feel a lot better.

Back to the point:

So here’s the tragedy, and the most compelling argument for becoming vegetarian I’ve ever come across.

We’re eating virgin turkeys.

These turkeys have never felt the warm comfort of another turkey’s embrace.

Some call that personification. I call it national geographic.

These turkeys bring joy, peace, and a spirit of family and giving during the holidays but due to an abomination of Frankenstein style breeding they’re not allowed to have any fun. And all because we prefer white meat.

White meat is racist, racist AND wrong.

Say that the next time something even hints at racism. You’ll notice most people have to stop and think about it for a second or two.

Let’s all do our best to show these turkeys that we care. When you’re sitting down at the table this holiday season ask your family and friends to please pass the dark meat. If they ask why just say, “because the white meat is racist.”

Health Info.

Thanksgiving and bloating go hand in hand like white meat and racism. We can easily put a stop to this (well, bloating, not racism).

Digestive enzymes are specialized. That means they are really good at breaking down certain foods but not others. The stomach and intestines can only produce so many enzymes at once.

It’s kind of like a mop works really well on wooden floors, but you wouldn’t want to use it on the carpet. Unless you’re staying with relatives that keep giving you backhanded compliments like, “you look really good for your age,” or “it’s really great that the DMV still let’s you drive.”

Mop their carpets.

Don’t mind me, I’m just cleaning up after myself. Your carpet looks really good for being so wet.

The simple strategy (for good digestion) is to just eat one type of food per meal. But most of us don’t have an extra 25 hours each day, so the way to do it practically is to eat foods over the course of a meal in an order that the body can process them effectively. Quickly digested foods should be eaten first, slower foods after.

Eat watery foods first and follow with gradually denser items. So first you have your fruit (fresh fruit, dried fruit is not wet, go figure), then you follow that with vegetables, then starches, then meat.

With dairy items such as cheese typically the harder cheeses take longer to digest and so should be eaten after the softer cheeses.

What causes a problem with most people is that they have a little of this, then a little of that, then back to a little of this, and so on and so forth (the ADD eating strategy).

If you have orange slices or a salad after that big steak those items that should go through your system in 15 to 30 min have to sit there for 2-3 hours waiting for the steak to digest.

While they’re in your stomach so long the fruit/veggies ferment producing gas, alcohol, and bloating.

While well timed flatulence can be a great way to break the tension in certain situations, in other circumstances it’s completely uncalled for.

“Let’s all bow our heads in silence and gratitude for our dearly beloved Uncle Oscar who brought us together today.”

What? That was 2 seconds of silence.

I think bloating is one of the primary reasons family discussions about politics during the holidays turn sour so quickly. That and too many shots of Sort-of-Wild Turkey.

To summarize: Fruit, then veggies, then starches, then meat. And separating the starches from the meat isn’t that important, the main thing is not having fruit and veggies at the end of the meal.

Wait 2 to 3 hours after turkey to have desert. If Aunt Mildred brings her famous string bean egg salad tortilla chip tuna fish nachos casserole blue berry surprise you can either just pretend to partake or take a bunch of digestive enzymes and hope and pray for the best.

Geronimo!

The cool thing about knowing this protocol is that when a meal is followed by gas or bloating you can look back on everything you ate and pinpoint exactly where things went catastrophically wrong.

Foiled again by Aunt Mildred. Or perhaps I haven’t received acupuncture recently enough, hmmm…..

For more information on sequential eating and natural hygiene this is a good page: sequential eating page.

Or you can check out this book, which covers this topic and a lot of other ways to point the aging clock in the other direction: Get younger book

I’m not done talking about turkeys

We celebrated with our extra virgin frankenturkey on Sunday because the whole family just couldn’t wait until the last Thursday of the month. The sequential eating protocol worked, comfortable stomachs all around.

Did you know that Ben Franklin wanted the turkey to be the national bird? He said the bald eagle is a thug and a pansy. They pillage and steal, and it only takes a small bird the size of a sparrow to chase it away.

Turkeys on the other hand are courageous, so much so that they attack people: See for yourself

I know, I think bald eagles are way more majestic than turkeys but who am I to question the venerable Benjamin Franklin? Maybe he just really identified with the turkey. In some pictures I can certainly see the resemblance.

Maybe that happens with people named Ben. One time in Santa Barbara a white middle-aged guy in a parka called me a “jive-turkey” because I didn’t have any spare change. I said back wide-eyed, “Chives turkey? That’s a GREAT IDEA!”

This could rival salmon and lox for bagel supremacy.

In San Francisco a twenty-something emaciated strung out guy with satanic tattoos passed by me and my friends and called us dweebs. I think he must have just graduated from preschool. But most likely they held him back for another year.

I’ve been called a lot of things but to this day I’ve never been called a duck-billed platypus. It’s nice having something to look forward to.

You can show your acupuncturist you care (and turn sick/injured people in the right direction) this holiday season by going online and writing a testimonial about how helpful he is, how your health has improved, or about how he resembles a platypus.

I know I’d be banging down the door of a platypus acupuncturist. That would be amazing.

I put my faith in you, platypus.

I told a friend of mine (not a platypus) one of my marketing techniques is a health newsletter that emphasizes entertainment in addition to (and sometimes in lieu of) quality content. She said I was wasting my time.

She said the best kind of newsletter is one that makes you fall asleep two sentences in. Then three quarters of the way through in a fit of rage you punch yourself in the face. Then you call and make an appointment because you just punched yourself in the face.

That was her exact quote. Apparently she’s some kind of marketing guru. And responsible for black eyes across the nation. If you’d like to prove her wrong post those reviews. We’ll teach her.

And please don’t mop anyone’s carpet. That’s not the kind of publicity I’m going for.

“A rash of carpet moppings have exploded across Alameda county. The only connection the police have found is a Pleasanton acupuncture clinic.”

It’s a lot of work and hassle to do something that although hilarious just winds up with you shelling out the cash for the carpet cleaning bill.

Don’t make the same mistake I did. Pretend like you were sleepwalking.

Here’s a link on how to write a google + review.

Happy Thanksgiving!